When I die they'll read this and say a genius wrote it.

Hi Everyone,
I started a new project called "The Nanny Diaries." I think the point of it is pretty self-explanatory. I decided I wanted to keep it separate from this journal in case I want to write about something non-nanny related. So please check out The Nanny Diaries at banannypeel.
:)

I can't believe I let two full months go by without writing. That has to be a record for me. I think it really reflects the mental state I have been in though... I have not been myself, I have not been thinking clearly, and I just haven't known what to say.

That doesn't mean that the past two months have been all bad though. I had some really great CYFM experiences... two amazing weeks of service which included the construction of a labyrinth, the most rockin' SonForce Kids Bible School ever, and the formation of a lot of really great friendships. Also the completion of my year of volunteer service. I haven't had the time to let it sink in yet that it's all over. I've been too busy living in people's basements and trying to find apartments and deciding what I'm going to do with my life. But the 11 hour car ride to NC yesterday gave me time to sort things out, and a 2 hour conversation with my mom this morning helped me make a firm decision. So everything should be set before the weekend is over. But I'll talk about that when I know for sure.

And yes, I did say 11 hour car ride. It's supposed to be 10 hours. Last time I did it in 9 hours and 15 minutes. This time I got confused and almost went to Tennessee. Then when I finally got here Mom and I went to Mi Pueblo and the waiter tried to make a joke about not giving me a Corona. Not funny. I'm in a better mood today though. Especially since I found out they now have a Goodwill store in King and I've already supported it. :)

So I guess I have changed a lot. God worked a lot on me during this year. I don't know if I'm better or worse but I'm definitely different in a lot of ways. The things I want for myself are different. The way I see things is different. Even the things I like to do are different... like this for example. I really sometimes don't even want to write at all anymore. I actually kind of forced myself to do this tonight just because it had been so long. I will say for this year:

I forgot how to write, but I learned how to fight.

How do you like that?!?!? Hah.

But it's true in so many ways.

It's funny how I work at a retreat center and my job is all about directing people to escape from their lives to focus on their faith, and what really matters most, but I couldn't do it myself without driving hundreds of miles and not thinking about that very work at all for a few days.

Well, I can't say that I didn't think about work at all. But it has just been so amazing to be home; it's just exactly what I needed to regain the mental health I will need to make it through the next two months. I had no idea how homesick I was until I started planning this trip, and especially not until I actually got here, and my soul just smiled to see all the North Carolina license plates as I drove towards home. It's been four days of beautiful weather, good shopping, fun times with friends and family, and clearing of the head and heart. Best of all, I came to the realization that I really could see myself coming back here at the end of my year of service, and being happy. The reason that is the "best of all" thing is that it gives me more peace about my future; now plan A or plan B is acceptable and livable. Whew.

Do I want to go back tomorrow? Absolutely not. But can I handle it now? Most def. So I'm really thankful for this little pause I've been blessed with, and for the following things:
-the realization that I could get from New York to North Carolina in 9 hours rather than 10, and that I did it without getting a much deserved speeding ticket
-getting to have barbecue AND a cookout in the same week, and everyone knowing the difference
-country roads
-getting my accent back
-sitting on the porch swing
-talking, laughing, chilling, and drinking with old friends
-looking hot while riding around in the Marty McFly
-three days of shopping in a row
-mass at OLG
-ice cream at Frank & Bo's
-home

One thing became very clear this week, though: my heart is in two places now. This will never be easy, but it will always be wonderful.

Explanations for the lack of updates:
- I’ve been really busy with work
- I’ve been really busy with randomness
- It’s springtime
- Every time I’m on the computer lately I’m applying for jobs
- This has been the craziest month of my entire life

So I hope those reasons are good enough for everyone. Really just for Katrina. Hah.

Yesterday I tried to go to confession. I hardly ever have a chance to go because confessions are on Saturday and we are usually working. So this Saturday I finally had the day off and I set aside the time. I walked over to the church only to see a sign on the door saying, “NO CONFESSIONS TODAY – Sorry for any inconvenience.” Weird. I mean, what is God trying to tell you when you want to go to confession but can’t? I have been trying a lot lately to figure out what God is telling me, through little things like that but also through bigger things… the handful of inexplicable events that have occurred in my life recently, things that I thought would never ever happen, things that I would never have seen coming or expected in a million years. The kind of stuff that just leaves you sitting, staring, open-mouthed and speechless. My life makes the opposite of sense. And I’ve realized that it’s no use at all trying to figure out what God is telling me. Instead I just started thinking about how strange it is that God is always with us, always guiding us and talking to us through events and surroundings, but we are so incapable of understanding. We get these small glimpses of clarity or little inklings of what He wants us to do or learn, but beyond that there is so much happening that we miss out on because we’re too caught up in things that don’t matter, or because we are too finite to comprehend an infinite kind of love. So that’s where I am. Wandering through a fog of my own creation, although all the while somehow I know that God is not only present in my confusion but He is watching me, caring about me, leading me through a force that I cannot always feel and seldom understand.

“Now we see but a poor reflection as through a glass darkly; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:12

Tonight I talked to a group of teenagers about converting to Catholicism. That is one of my favorite things to talk about, but I did it a little differently this time. The theme of the night was “callings,” like the call to religious life or the call to be married. And there were other speakers to represent both of those calls, and then there was me. So I thought, what is the type of call that I am representing as a convert? I got up to speak and the first thing out of my mouth was, “I have been called to change.” I was called to change denominations, at the risk of leaving my family and the comfort and security of what I’d grown up with behind. I was called to change the vision I had for my future, to abandon plans for a career in exchange for a year of volunteer service, not knowing where it would lead. I was called to change locations, to move 600 miles across the country where I knew no one… all this because I felt God leading me. I cannot explain how or why. But tonight I told a room full of kids that when you are called to change, then you just know that it’s what you’re supposed to do, even if you don’t know why. If that is truly the essence of my calling in life – change – then maybe I will always be wandering around through a fog, seeing a poor reflection and “knowing in part.” But I will continue to follow in whole, just like I did when I changed churches and states and lives, until I know fully.

( If you ever wondered why I converted to Catholicism, I think this will explain it. )

That was a speech I did at CYFM today. And then I went out in my bare feet in the grass and threw around the football for a while. I felt pretty happy.

Tonight I went out for a bike ride. It had gotten a lot chillier, and really windy. I rode all around town. It was one of those nights when in my mind's eye, I kept seeing myself as if I was another person watching me. Does that make sense? Especially the end of my ride, when I went out to the river point park. One of my favorite places here. I parked my bike and walked way out on the little strip of rocks to the very edge of the water. And it was dark, and the city lights were shining all around, and just an inkling of the sunset was left glowing on the water. After I came back to my bike and started to ride away, I looked over my shoulder at where I'd been and it was like I could still see myself there, a dark silhouette in the twilight, staring emptily out into the Hudson. A lonely girl who is wondering why, no matter where she goes, her life is so painfully repetitious. She is wishing she could step off the edge of these rocks onto a boat that would take her sailing away, and she could stay out on the water where things make sense.

But she isn't really there. She's on this bike, pedaling home in the dark back to real life, back where nothing's certain, nothing's as it seems, and all of it is strangely similar to the life she tried to leave before.

It's your day off. There is more daylight and more warmth today, and plenty of time. You can't miss the opportunity to escape into the woods. So you take along a friend who knows the way and begin to climb. Worries about the future are forgotten for a while as your focus narrows - the path is steep and icy; you must concentrate on where to put your feet next, take it one step at a time.

You aren't looking for a trail marker but here is one, unusually bright and clear. Three distinct, pale blue squares.

"I'm not sure where this will lead, but it seems like we'd get the best view from there."

"Yeah... usually three markers together like that mean the start of a new trail. The blazes are so prominent... someone must really want us to go this way..."

Yes, Someone does.

And soon you come to the summit. From here there is a view of the river, the bridge, and beyond. Sink down onto the cool stone to take it all in. Feel the warm breeze as you start to talk about your fears, about how you're afraid your life is going nowhere because you have motivation but no motive. You have no direction, no bright and clear trail markers in real life for you.

And feel your mouth drop open, hear your words trail off as suddenly, from the north, two graceful hawks glide by. They are close enough for you to see the detail of their feathers. You are so high that they fly a few feet beneath you, circling slowly over the peaceful sparkling river. And as you watch in awe, he says, "Look at that - their wings aren't even moving. The wind must be just right for them to float so effortlessly that way. See how they don't try to get anywhere. The currents of the air carry them where they need to be. Look at that, April - that's you."

Chuckle to yourself as you admit that this is a lesson you've had to learn many times. Say Thank You for showing me again.

...

Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!"

I almost don't even want to write this. Because it is whiny and self-pitying and overly dramatic and I hate all those things. But a lot of stuff just came flooding back tonight, unexpectedly, while I was surrounded by people in the gym yet alone with my thoughts and those memories. They will never go away completely, no matter how long I manage to go without remembering. Especially since I spent seven years collecting new things to put in that unwanted baggage that will always be a part of me. Seven years, wow. For a long time that memory was my whole identity. Then it was the worms underneath the rocks in the dirt. Then it was a skeleton in the closet. Now it's diminished to a hazy dream, but it's one that can come back with amazing force under the right conditions.

It's a lot like the weather was tonight. Bitter cold, the kind that makes your face burn. But once you get inside for a while you forget about it. And a few hours later when you go back out, you open the door and the wind hits you with a shock that takes your breath away for a moment. So you gasp and your eyes water as you run to your car, knowing all the while that it will take a long time for that engine to heat up. You can't drive away from the cold, or the truth. You have to just deal with it, and hurry home to safety and warmth. It does get easier to go out in the cold, once you've lived in it for a while.

Today I got an acceptance letter from Marquette. Not a huge deal; the really important thing is whether or not I got the fellowship and I won't know about that for another 5 or 6 weeks. But it felt kind of weird reading that letter and not really knowing if I still even want to go. I think what I really want to do is just walk with you on a cloudy day in fields where the yellow grass grows knee high. What I really want to do is just wake up with the rain falling on a tin roof while I'm safe there in your arms. Ok so that's from that Norah Jones song but doesn't that sound nice?

I also need to say, I think that me leaving North Carolina has caused some serious problems in the world of sports. The Panthers had a pretty shameful season back in the fall, and now Duke is having one of the worst years they've had I think in a very very long time. Maybe the worst year they've had since I've been following them, which would be since 1997. Who knew I was such a good luck charm?

I am tired tonight.
Tired of waiting for my life to start.

So it was kind of the best thing ever yesterday because it was Valentine's Day AND a snow day. It went so long without snowing here, and then when it did it wasn't a very big deal to the people here and everything just went on as normal. But Tuesday night into yesterday it finally snowed like over 6 inches and everything was cancelled. I got a lot of work done at home, and then had a nice fun evening last night. I even went out to play in the snow, which translates to: run around for a few minutes, make one deformed snow angel, and then spend an hour digging cars out of snowdrifts so you can go to work the next day. Another new thing for me to add to the list.

The next 11 days are vacation for us here. Which is a ridiculous amount of time so I have been making a mental list of things to do.

-sweater shopping
-snowboarding
-St. Ray's basketball game
-two day spiritual retreat
-hiking
-get a massage
-Pretty Pretty Princess game
-hang out with John
-go to NYC with John
-reading
-Connecticut?
-harmonica playing

Should be an interesting time. Feel free to add any ideas to my list.

I need to say that it's amazing how your whole outlook changes when you admit the truth to yourself. Who knew I could be so happy and so scared all at once?

Two things I thought I'd never be doing have happened this week.

1. I went snowboarding!!! (and liked it)

2. I am mailing off my application to graduate school in WISCONSIN.

Seriously, I am random. It's like all those silly hypotheticals we do at CYFM. I guess I really am like an old tire found in the ocean, or neopalitan ice cream, or playing the spoons, or the song "Ice Ice Baby." Why? Because it's random.

Last night I became very aware of just how many people I know that are engaged or married. It's a lot more than I had thought. It made me feel strange. I can't even imagine being married right now. It kind of makes me feel like I'm still a little kid and everyone else is growing up without me. I know that the things I have done/am doing are very grown up... I mean, I moved to another state, I'm applying to graduate school, I'm a full-time youth minister... but I guess somewhere in my head those things don't really define being "grown-up" as much as being married does. That's interesting. So I guess I get to be a kid until I get married. Which might be never, the way I'm going.

All my friends are falling in love, making commitments, getting houses and "real jobs" and families. What am I doing?

I am playing Raging Radioactive River every day.
I am sleeping in dorm rooms with 8th graders.
I am helping young people discover their faith.

I am cutting my own hair.
I am getting fat.
I am looking like me.

I am praying.
I am singing.
I am loving God.

Up and down lately. Way way up for the first two retreats of the year, as they were with our amazing CYFM kids and just made me feel happy and satisfied and among friends. Pretty far down this past week as I inexplicably become frustrated with everything, especially me...

I am lately always trying to understand what things are "all about" for me. Like, this year is all about learning humility. Yesterday was all about listening to friends who needed it. Today was all about cooperation. Prayer is all about collecting my thoughts, expressing my soul, and connecting with the suffering of others through God. Writing is all about creating something that makes sense out of my life. Running is all about getting away, getting in the zone, getting sweaty. Music is all about supplementing the silence within. Those are pretty much the ones I've figured out so far. But that's where my thoughts go lately, and in an way it's nice to attach a meaning or an answer to everything, but in other ways it's frustrating and scary because I feel the need for those meanings and answers and they aren't always there. Or at least I can't always see them, and I know I'm not meant to. Not yet.

Another thing I have been thinking lately is how people change, but I never thought about it happening to me. Like when you talk to older people (not necessarily elderly people, just grown-ups) they will sometimes tell you that they used to be different, like they used to be a real daredevil, or really shy, or really outgoing, but now they are different. I guess I just always thought that after you're done being a kid your personality wouldn't change that much. But humans are dynamic creatures, and this applies to me as well. I am seeing myself changing this year - not really maturing so much as just becoming a different person in many ways, and that is strange for me. I feel like I am losing myself. Does that make sense?

I am thinking seriously about "getting off the Internet," meaning deleting my Facebook and Myspace accounts. It is just starting to freak me out a little, and I feel the need to simplify. But then I keep thinking I will lose touch with a lot of people. I also could never delete my LJ account because I love it too much. I know I could keep journaling offline, but something about writing for an audience challenges me to create illustrations out of my thoughts. I don't think I could trick myself into writing this way if I knew that no one would ever read it. So we'll see.

One recent event that will be a landmark in my life, and that I have CYFM to thank for, is feeling so confident, so comfortable, and so safe that I could make a rock show out of flossing my teeth and perform it in front of everyone. You rocked my floss off, College COP 2007. Never forget.

So I went on a little hiatus... but you know, I was busy with family holiday stuff, and writing graduate school application essays (FINISHED...woot). And one really odd and kind of embarrassing reason that I haven't been updating is because of a project I took on during Christmas break: to copy my entire journal into a Word document and print it out so I would have a paper copy. I just started getting nervous; I realized that I've had an online journal since December 2002 (whoa!) and I thought, what if the internet explodes and it all disappears? So I wanted to save it for posterity. And it's kind of cool all printed out and saved in book form. It's like the novel of my life. But it made me not really update for a while because every time I was on the site, I was going back through old entries. It was actually really interesting, reading the things I had written and seeing how different I was, how different I have been. I have grown up A LOT. It would put me in this weird frame of mind though, like if I had read a lot of entries from a certain period, I would go away from the computer and kind of feel like I was in that time period of my life again. I mean, think about how you might get immersed in what you're reading and end up thinking about it during your daily life - well, amplify that by the fact that you're reading something that YOU wrote, that ACTUALLY happened... it was just weird and confusing, like the feeling you get when you've dreamed something and you're not sure if it's real or not. I don't know how to really explain it. But I got confused about what I wanted to write in here, like it would affect my thinking too much so I just held off.

I noticed a couple of small things during my break:

1) It took me a while, but once I had been home for a good amount of time I started talking, A LOT. Like enough to where I kind of got on my own nerves. But I thought maybe it was because I had all this blabbering stored up in me. Or maybe talking that much is how I used to be before. Before I came up here and no one would listen to me. The funny thing is, I think I like me better when I'm quiet.

2) And speaking of that, I am trying to understand what I am going through right now, and why. This is piggybacking off of what I said a few weeks ago, about God making something good out of my time here. I was thinking about how life is a series of ups and downs, and you can't have the ups without the downs. I wanted this year of service to be a challenge, and it is. But I guess part of me expected the struggle to be somehow different. I didn't expect the type of struggle to be one of loneliness and disappointment. But my new thought is... maybe last year, since it was so crazy and awesome and kind of overfull as far as friends and good times go, was my "up" and this is just the naturally following "down." I couldn't have too much "up" all together because what would I ever learn? How would I ever appreciate certain things? And in the downs, you learn so much, you are forced to grow so close to God because He is all you have to rely on. Of course no down is totally horrible; there are definitely plenty of things that I have to be thankful for and that brighten my day here. And also, it's kind of cool to know that you're in a "down" place because that means there is a big "up" around the corner.

That sounded a little more cheesy than I meant it to. In reality it was a really profound realization for me. But really, how could I even really know about all that, or begin to assume that I know? We learned in Mrs. Moore's history class that it takes quite a few years to be able to correctly analyze what went on and understand it in the greater context of society's history. In the same way, you probably have to be outside of a situation for a while before you can see what it was all about.

To make things parallel, I will also post two (hopefully) funny musings:

1) I forgot to tell this story earlier... so Br. Lake and I shared a flight home to NC for the holidays, and to kill time in the Philly airport we did a little experiment. I said that if you run while on the moving sidewalks, you'd be going crazy fast because the floor is propelling you while you are also propelling yourself. So we had a race; I ran on the moving sidewalk and Lake ran on the regular floor. But he still beat me! So maybe I am just that slow... wow. But Sean says that my body would be subconsciously afraid of the moving floor so that would make me run slower. I'm gonna go with that theory.

2) When I finally got home tonight I was sooooo hungry and Sean had brought over pulled pork barbecue and it was amazing. I ate so much. The reason this is funny is that I flew all the way up to NY just to get some North Carolina food. Mmm.

I'm home for Christmas. I had a great flight in, including a fun three-hour layover in Philadelphia with Brother Lake. I am starting to realize just how much he really is like a big brother to me. Today was a good day, good things are happening... I've got peace like a river, love like an ocean, joy like a fountain... everything's not the way I want it, but it doesn't need to be. And who wouldn't be happy if SANTA somehow SNUCK THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY and put a SURPRISE PRESENT in their suitcase... and it was a HARMONICA JUST LIKE THEY ASKED FOR... ladies and gentlemen, it's a Christmas miracle!!!

I have to teach myself to play a song on the harmonica before I get back to New York. Plus write three graduate school application essays. No problem.

Guess what???

Last night... SANTA CALLED ME ON THE PHONE. And said that maybe he would bring me a harmonica. Just what I wanted. How did he know???

You have to have been REALLY good for Santa to actually call you.

I was walking down the sidewalk outside my house tonight and a Bible verse popped in my head. The one about God working all things out for the good of those who love Him. I looked it up and it actually reads "We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) But the small revelation I had is that this verse doesn't say that everything will be perfect for Christians, nor does it say that everything Christians do was "meant to be." It just says that everything will work for good. I made a decision to come here... maybe it was the right choice and maybe not, but it seemed like a good decision to me. Now I keep wanting to find the reason that I was "meant to be" here. But I am here, whether I was meant to be or not. So maybe I should just start looking at how God is working my situation out for the good - the good of me and those I come into contact with. Because I can see a lot of good around me. Maybe it isn't perfect, but God can take whatever situation I put myself in and work some good out of it. As Christians we can take comfort in the fact that for that reason, nothing we do is ever a waste of time. No matter what I am doing with my life at any given time, I am always called according to HIS purpose.

This year, and this work, is hard. It is not what I had expected it to be, or even what it was supposed to be in many ways. But I am being told by wise and worthy mentors that God is using it to draw me closer to Him, to "fast-track" my spiritual journey.

And that makes a lot of sense. I am ready for that. Bring it on. I want to experience hard work that accomplishes God's will. I want to go through fire if it means me being closer to God, understanding him more.

Another reason this year is hard is because I am lonely. It's partly being far from the familiar, and partly because I am changing and becoming a more quiet and withdrawn person every day. But whatever the reason, I am lonely. I feel like I have very few people to talk to and very few opportunities to really talk to them. And how many times am I with someone I can really talk to at a time I can really talk to them and then they actually listen, and hear what I am saying, what I am feeling... slim to none lately. I never realized how lonely of a feeling that is. When you have lots of people around you but none of them really know what is going on in your head or your heart. But just as I am starting to feel sorry for myself, I thought that maybe this could be another way that God is drawing me closer to Him. Yes, the work pushes me toward a greater spiritual maturity. But this loneliness most certainly pushes me toward a greater dependence on God, on prayer, on Him as my friend. I have never had such an intense prayer life as I do this year. The lonelier I get, the more my heart talks to God, sometimes without me even thinking about it. So again, if that is the case... if this is what has to happen for me to grow, then bring it on.

And anyway, sometimes it's kind of cool to be misunderstood. That's how all good artists get their start.

I think it's good for a person to be very tired and very hungry sometimes. Because it just makes you appreciate a good nap and a good meal that much more. Today could have been one of the worst days I've had here so far. But I was so incredibly tired and hungry that it just made me that much more incredibly full and happy to have the "family" I have here. And I was at such an incredibly low point tonight driving home only to be blown away by how incredibly wonderful I could be made to feel. No, everything isn't perfect. But it is good for a person to feel all these things. I am living every inch of life.

Hey everybody! Let’s take a break from work because we’re hungry and can’t really think. And I have some things to put out there, for no real reason other than that it makes me feel good to sum up weeks of thought into a nice little package and then move on…

So I’ve been remembering a lot of my dreams lately. Which is weird, I hardly ever do. This weekend I dreamed that I was back home in my room, only it is a guest room now and it was in my dream too. But my mom was trying to wake me up and get me out of bed and I just couldn’t for some reason… couldn’t hold my eyes open, couldn’t focus… and she was really really angry with me and I couldn’t make things right. Then last night I dreamed I was in college again, only it looked like my middle school. I had managed to get into Russ McDonald’s second Shakespeare class (a thing I missed out on in real life, and I sorely regret) but I missed the first two classes because I kept forgetting about it and signing up to run some booth at that big fair they have during the first week of classes. The booth was selling some junk, I don’t know what. If you miss the first two days of a class, you get kicked out. I remembered to go to my second class, which (unbelievably) was a business management course. I couldn’t find the classroom in the dream, and I walked all over campus. When I finally found it, it was full of people from my middle school. A lot of them are people that I still know today, but in the dream they looked like they did in middle school.

It seems like it should be really obvious to me what my subconscious is trying to tell me through these dreams, but it isn’t.

Went to my monthly doctor appointment and found out that I can’t blame my weight gain on the medicine… I guess I just have to blame it on all the FOOD (duh). And with the holidays coming up… boy isn’t this a GREAT time to start a diet. Yeah right. I think I just need to make my peace with double-digit pant sizes.

So all of that is fluff really. Here are some important things. I had a good long talk with Mom and I think I am starting to realize that I have set my mind on a path just because I have always thought that’s what I’m supposed to do. Well, obviously doing a year of mission service was adventurous, not planned, all that. But I was still on the track to being a teacher. I would be good at it. But I am starting to see that there are other things I would be good at. Also, I think I became narrow-minded in the idea that I had to choose a career that was super-saturated with meaning and ministry. And now I am starting to see that I can serve God no matter what I do in life. I can always volunteer, I can always be involved in the things I love about service and the church. Finally, I am starting to see that maybe graduate school isn’t for me, at least not right now. That is so painful to admit. I want it so badly. And I want it while I’m young, while I can still be fully immersed in the academic lifestyle. It’s another thing that feels like it’s something I should do, because I’d be good at it. But right now I’m too directionless. I’d be going just to go, with no real plan in mind, no focus for what to study, no goals to work for. I’m telling myself that I have to become Ok with this happening later in life for me. Things don’t always have to go according to my plan… they hardly ever do.

And if I’m really going to sum up all that’s been going through my head lately, I have to say that I am really missing my friends from Greensboro right now. I was just thinking about some of the parties, and just my general existence last year and how it was constantly full of people that made me so happy. So I guess I’m kind of aching to be back in that kind of environment right now. I want to go back and visit Greensboro, but I’m nervous, because I know it won’t be the same. I dread that feeling of realizing that I don’t belong there anymore, that it’s no longer my city, my school… I know that only a small part of me still belongs in Greensboro, and another small part of me still belongs at home in King, and as much as I love everything about my life here in New York, I still don’t completely belong here, because of the parts that are left in NC, and because of the fact that I can't stay here after July. I guess I’m leading a fragmented existence, and it makes sense that I can’t imagine where I’ll go next, where I will ever settle down and find my place.

Well… writing this didn’t make me feel any more certain about the future, but it did just help me realize what those dreams meant. Duh.

If you have tried to call me in the past two or three weeks, I haven't answered because my phone has been broken. So if you left me a message, I didn't get it. And I have missed you, so you should call me.

Also, even if you don't want to call me now... if you ever want me to call you, you should probably give me your number again because I lost all the numbers I had with the broken phone.