Explanations for the lack of updates:
- I’ve been really busy with work
- I’ve been really busy with randomness
- It’s springtime
- Every time I’m on the computer lately I’m applying for jobs
- This has been the craziest month of my entire life
So I hope those reasons are good enough for everyone. Really just for Katrina. Hah.
Yesterday I tried to go to confession. I hardly ever have a chance to go because confessions are on Saturday and we are usually working. So this Saturday I finally had the day off and I set aside the time. I walked over to the church only to see a sign on the door saying, “NO CONFESSIONS TODAY – Sorry for any inconvenience.” Weird. I mean, what is God trying to tell you when you want to go to confession but can’t? I have been trying a lot lately to figure out what God is telling me, through little things like that but also through bigger things… the handful of inexplicable events that have occurred in my life recently, things that I thought would never ever happen, things that I would never have seen coming or expected in a million years. The kind of stuff that just leaves you sitting, staring, open-mouthed and speechless. My life makes the opposite of sense. And I’ve realized that it’s no use at all trying to figure out what God is telling me. Instead I just started thinking about how strange it is that God is always with us, always guiding us and talking to us through events and surroundings, but we are so incapable of understanding. We get these small glimpses of clarity or little inklings of what He wants us to do or learn, but beyond that there is so much happening that we miss out on because we’re too caught up in things that don’t matter, or because we are too finite to comprehend an infinite kind of love. So that’s where I am. Wandering through a fog of my own creation, although all the while somehow I know that God is not only present in my confusion but He is watching me, caring about me, leading me through a force that I cannot always feel and seldom understand.
“Now we see but a poor reflection as through a glass darkly; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:12
Tonight I talked to a group of teenagers about converting to Catholicism. That is one of my favorite things to talk about, but I did it a little differently this time. The theme of the night was “callings,” like the call to religious life or the call to be married. And there were other speakers to represent both of those calls, and then there was me. So I thought, what is the type of call that I am representing as a convert? I got up to speak and the first thing out of my mouth was, “I have been called to change.” I was called to change denominations, at the risk of leaving my family and the comfort and security of what I’d grown up with behind. I was called to change the vision I had for my future, to abandon plans for a career in exchange for a year of volunteer service, not knowing where it would lead. I was called to change locations, to move 600 miles across the country where I knew no one… all this because I felt God leading me. I cannot explain how or why. But tonight I told a room full of kids that when you are called to change, then you just know that it’s what you’re supposed to do, even if you don’t know why. If that is truly the essence of my calling in life – change – then maybe I will always be wandering around through a fog, seeing a poor reflection and “knowing in part.” But I will continue to follow in whole, just like I did when I changed churches and states and lives, until I know fully.